That’s what I thought it was….
What happens to people’s tastes buds when they become wealthy? Why do they start liking things “poached” or “tartared” or “carpaccioed”? I love food. I eat constantly. I just sometimes wonder why people decided, at the dawn of man, to put certain things in their mouths?
The thought to discuss this on my blog came to me last week after chatting with my new pal, disguting things i have eaten. He had a conversation with someone about eating balut and century eggs. For those of you who do not know what these are, I will elaborate. Balut, a delicacy in Asia, is a fertilized duck egg with a nearly developed embryo, that is boiled then eaten. WTF? A century egg, also of Asian descent, is an egg that is preserved in clay and ash and lime and other stuff for several weeks/months. In the end, the yolk turns dark green, the white turns brown and it has a strong odor of sulfur and ammonia. This one actually looks really cool but more like a rare gemstone rather than something I want to ingest. No offense to my Asian readers, but some of the food you eat is whack. But whatever. Different Strokes, right?
So I got to thinking about some pricey food items. I thought, most of these are delicious, but then I thought about what they actually were and I was a tad confused.
Lobster Lobster is fucking awesome. I’ve always loved it. I think Lobster Cobb Salad would be the best meal ever. But look at the fucking animal. It’s scary. It’s the cockroach of the sea. It used to be the staple of the poor man’s diet. They had to specify in employment agreements that they only wanted to eat it twice a week. Then it became a luxury food. So I already know it’s tasty but what I am wondering is what the first human to eat this was thinking when he came across the creature. “Oooh! That freaky sea insect is gonna be GOOOD!”?!? Well, I’m glad he figured it out.
Caviar: It just looks strange to me…Again, more like jewels (or pretty beads) than food. I have never had it, other than on sushi ( which is really not even close to the elite fish eggs I speak of). But I always remember Tom Hanks’ character in Big, trying it and immediately spitting it out. It’s fish eggs…and they’re not scrambled, fried or poached. They are raw. Ew. I do, however, like the little tins they come in. Maybe I can find some on Ebay and be a poser caviar lover.
Escargot: Literally snails. Snails, people. Slugs that live in shells. Do you remember when you were a kid and you saw a slug and you would run inside to get the can of Morton Salt to pour on that mug? Then you would watch him/her shrivel up and die, what I can only imagine being a horrible death? That was cool. But what would possess someone to put that slimey, cute, little creature in their mouth without being dared or offered compensation?
Sweetbreads: When I first saw this on a menu, it sounded like something I would like. It was sweet, bread was involved, yum, right? Wrong. Now this photograph may look pretty tasty but let us discover what it actually is, shall we? It’s the thymus and pancreas of a calf or lamb. Gross. Beware of the deceptive name!
Aspic: Do people still eat this shit? For the unaware, aspic is… meat flavored jello, basically. People like to float things in it. Why the jello? Why not just eat the stuff that’s floating in it, sans jello?
…..and last but NOT least….
Foie Gras: This actually looks pretty appetizing; nice creamy texture shaped into a loaf. It’s like SPAM for the affluent. However, when I discovered that it was mainly goose liver, I suddenly lost my appetite. See, my mother made me eat liver (granted, it was a cows) when I was little in order for me to get my iron. It was the most horrid flavor I have ever tasted. It’s liver. You know, the organ that makes bile and separates all the bad shit out of the food you eat. Why would someone want to eat this??? Maybe duck liver is delicious. Foie Gras DOES have a bunch of other ingredients that sound good. I will probably try it one day and love it. Spreadable meat.
Maybe next time I will write about some disgusting foods poor people eat, like tripe and chitterlings…but they can’t help it. It’s what they can afford. And it’s probably better for you than Hot Pockets.
I don’t really even know where to begin on this man. He was on the cover of New York Magazine a couple weeks ago. Since I have a subscription AND I am from NC AND I LOVE trashy novels (JACQUELINE SUSANN is my literary hero), I decided to read his tale of debauchery and general assholiness.
For those of you who have been living in Bumfuck, Egypt and don’t know the story, here is a recap.
As we know, John Edwards wanted to be president. He was charming and smart and, by golly, just the perfect candidate. Then, the man became this egomaniac after the slightest public approval partnered with his Vice presidential nomination. Staffers state that he started worrying about superficial things (like wardrobe and what have you) and ordering them to do the most menial of tasks and claiming that public LOOOOVVVVEEED him…but seriously, who doesn’t do that when they get some attention? Anyway, while on the road campaigning he met this woman. Long story short, they start boning. She’s “making a video” about him so she must be with him at all times. Everyone starts warning him. He ignores them. He denies the affair. His mistress gets pregnant. Admits to affair but denies he’s the dad. He pays one of his staffers to pretend HE’S the dad! For real?!? Shame on you, John Edwards.
Cut to two years later (present day); he admits to being the dad! Big fucking surprise there.
I want to feel sorry for his wife Elizabeth but it seems she is no saint either. Apparently, she would berate his campaign workers and could be hostile. She would insult John in public. She exposed her breasts in an airport, for crying out loud. Talk about drama. Classic white trash behavior. I feel they are about a notch above Brittany Spears when it comes to white trash (Brittany, by the way, is near the bottom). I mean, I’m sorry she has cancer and her husband is a total scoundrel but come on. Control yourself. There is a place and a time for tantrums…it’s at home, in private.
It’s not like this is the first sexual scandal in politics, but it’s certainly an entertaining one( PS- what is the deal with democrats and infidelity????) I can’t wait for the next chapter! What else could possibly happen?
Making dinner last night was a nice distraction from the days’ news. I made vegetable soup because now Todd is sick. It was really comforting, hearty and delicious.
It had onions, leeks, celery, carrots, crushed tomatoes, zucchini, red beans and macaroni in it…plus my secret spices. It’s so funny how food can make you feel better.
For dessert, I resisted yet another piece of pie
(I had made Peanut Butter Banana Cream Pie-above- for my great friends, Tim and Jimmy, and have been eating the remainder of it the last few nights) and opted for something my dad ate all the time: an Entenmann’s rich frosted donut. Those things are so good.
So last week, I decided to write our asshole neighbor a note and try to reason with her. I tried to be nice in it but I may have insulted the bitch. I talked about how we tried to come talk to her face to face but we were always treated with hostility. I told her that the stomping that accompanied her bass was completely childish. I stressed the fact that some people work “normal hours”(this is apparently a foreign concept to her). Then I asked her if she could possibly move her speakers to a higher place, as this might make them less audible. I gave her another option. Maybe she could just turn it down after 11pm….I mean, after all, the lease states that one should be quiet after this time. It’s just plain courtesy. I don’t really care on the weekend, just during the week. I closed saying that if we could not come to some sort of compromise, I would be forced to involve the landlord(who didn’t help at all)/police. So did she confront me? NOOOOOOOO! Why would she do that? She proceeded to make copies and post them all around the building….thus proving her immaturity. WTF???
Last night, I remembered another one of my brilliant ideas. I was talking to someone I work with about Harpers II in Greensboro, NC. It’s a “gentlemen’s club” that is a car wash. Basically, men sit in a room with a large window and watch nudey women wash their car…so I am told. I have yet to go to this Harper’s II…let alone Harper’s I.
I love muscle cars (see my photography portfolio-classic vehicles) and have always thought that it would be cool to learn about fixing cars. Mechanics make bank. If I could open a shop, that just cute girls worked at (and could ACTUALLY fix cars, like not just oil changes….like rebuilding transmissions) dressed in shorts and tight t-shirts, I could make a killing. I need a name though…What do you think, fellas?
So as you all know, Todd and I moved into a great new place.. It is in a large building with 60 or so other apartments, so it is normal to hear some neighbor activity. Everyone has been really cool about turning their crappy techno music down EXCEPT for the douchebags who live directly above us.
The first time they were playing this horrible crap was about a week ago. Todd went upstairs to ask them to turn it down a little. First off, he had to knock several times. He heard someone inside say, “Oh, are the neighbors complaining?” in a sarcastic voice. They proceeded to ignore his knocking until they realized he wasn’t going away. By this time, he had become more enraged. A girl answered the door and was acting like she didn’t realize the shit was loud and asked if it was the downstairs neighbors complaining. Todd basically said, “Who gives a fuck if we are downstairs or next to you? turn it down.”
So for the last week, we have been hearing some banging on our ceiling, just random banging from time to time. Also more techno crap, but we haven’t said anything…until last night.
I was awoken at 4:45am. Then there was bass. I waited ten minutes to see if it was gonna stop. Nope. So I get dressed go upstairs and knock. Again, they turn down the music and I can hear them plotting their attack on me, all while i continue to knock…the girl is “sick of this shit”, there is a guy too…”what should i say?” and the girl tells him to say whatever he wants. These fucking idiots don’t realize that i can hear them. So, of course, I become more annoyed after hearing their little chat. He finally opens the door. I just come straight out with my bitchiness:
Me: It’s 4am on sunday. Could you turn it down?
Asshole neighbor: It’s not that loud. (Really? Then why would I get out of bed, get dressed and come up here, MORON???)
Me: Seriously? Yeah it is. (At this point I imitate the bass line I have been hearing for 5 minutes)
AN(us): We don’t care about your life. Goodbye (tries to shut the door in my face…I stop him)
Me: No, WE don’t care about YOUR life, that’s why I came up here. Goodbye.
So, I go down and get back in bed. Todd thanks me for saying something (he was also awoken). About 2 minutes later, loud banging on our ceiling. So loud, that Hank starts barking. Then stomping up and down the length of the apartment. Now they done pissed Todd off. He gets fully clothed and gets ready to go up there, but it has stopped. Gets undressed and back in bed and then BANG!!! more of the same shit. Now, he’s livid. He goes up there and beats on the door. Of course the pussies don’t answer. So he yells that if he hears anymore of their shitty music or banging he is gonna find out who the guy is and kick his ass in the middle of hall. He doesn’t care who sees it. That’s my Todd-o :) !
Why are these people such assholes? It’s fucking 5 am! Turn it down. Don’t fucking argue with me about it. Don’t be an infantile prick and start banging. What does one do in this situation?
Okay people, every morning, on the train, I listen to my ipod….yes, how NY of me. Honestly, it’s just cause I don’t wanna hear anyone’s conversation and it is the equivalent of riding in the car with your radio on, except you can’t sing out loud (which SUCKS). So this morning I came across one of my favorite songs that features cowbell. I’m talking TASTEFUL cowbell. Not (don’t fear) The Reaper, Hair of the Dog, Mississippi Queen, Rock of Ages or Little Willy cowbell (although, I DO like all those songs). Here are some examples of songs with TASTEFUL cowbell…in no particular order:
- Speedy’s Coming by The Scorpion
this song is the one that prompted this list. It is fucking awesome. Scorpions pre-Rock you like a Hurricane (UGH) and that horrible song about Gorky Park.
- Diamond Dogs by David Bowie
Bowie is my favorite singer. He did no wrong in the 70s. His voice is like spun, golden silk. I want to walk down the aisle to “Lady Grinning Soul”.
- Love is Strange by Mickey and Sylvia
Most of you will recall this song from “Dirty Dancing”. It has a great call/response part.
- Time Has Come Today by The Chambers Brother
If you don’t know this song, download it immediately. Terrific party jam. Also has some chanting(a list of songs is in the making) and it’s psychedelic.
- Live Wire by Motley Crue
Again, The Crue makes the list. Tommy Lee is a goon, but a killer drummer. If you can keep a beat while spinning upside down 50 feet in the air, you are a badass.
- The Wizard by Black Sabbath
If you are familiar with this song, you know what I’m talking about. There is one brief tap on a cowbell and it makes me smile EVERY TIME. Bill Ward is classy.
- Rock Lobster by The B-52’s
This song is fucking great. It’s all over the place, makes no sense and puts you in a good mood.
- Funk #49 by James Gang
Another party jam everyone must have.
- Hot as a Docker’s Armpit by Budgie
If you don’t know about Budgie, you need to do some research. Metallica covered them, if that helps. They are part of the original stoner rock and this is one my favorite songs.
- Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My Monkey by The Beatles
I don’t think Ringo gets enough credit as a drummer. He’s good, gd it.
- Along Comes Mary by The Association
Brilliant song. Also has what I like to call, Soul Claps (keep your eyes peeled for that post too)
That’s all I came up with. Do you have any more (remember, TASTEFUL)?